thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
