I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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