I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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