I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
