I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize