you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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