I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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