Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
