i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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