I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
