You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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