he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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