matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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