I wish my penis had an off switch
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
