Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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