Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
50% drunk capacity currently
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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