i just wanna soil my oats bro
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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