I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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