Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
