Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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