I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
