I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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