Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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