I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
