I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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