i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He passed out mid-signature
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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