Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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