You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
