i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
