im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
