Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
