remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
