he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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