Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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