I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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