I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
