This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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