just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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