Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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