you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
