I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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