i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
