Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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