I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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