You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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