shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
