erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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