I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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