A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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