I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
