If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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