You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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