so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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