Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
