Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
