dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
