I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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