i can't believe i had my finger in that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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