end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I FOUND THE LEGS
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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