you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
