Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
