I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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