This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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