The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
