Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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