High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's official drugs can't kill me
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
