She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
